Our dads have a huge impact on our lives, sometimes good, sometimes bad. A few days ago I was having a conversation with a man. This fellow is of retirement age. He told me about his dad, and how he had negative feelings to this day about his relationship with his dad. He went on to say that it was silly for a man of his age to be talking of how his dad treated him and such. I told him that I disagreed. Talking about things that bring you pain is the best thing that you can do.
Because of this conversation, I decided to share a little bit about my relationship with my dad, and how it affected me.
When I was a child, my dad had a job that required that he travel a lot. He mostly traveled in the US, but he took trips all over the world too. He was on the road about 250 days per year, probably 50 of those days outside the country. So, as you can see, we did not see him too much. My Dad was a very highly successful man. He got his College degree in Chemical Engineering, and immediately went to work for a major paper company. He remained with this company until the day they were bought out by another company, at which time he worked for that company until he took early retirement. When he retired, he was a Senior Vice President of one of the biggest paper companies in the USA. After retiring, he went back to work, as an executive of a paper company in Canada. So, as you can see, he was a very busy and successful man.
During my childhood, and into my adulthood, my father had a hobby that he would do on weekends, or anytime he was home from the road. He enjoyed working with his hands – woodworking, building things, mechanical work, all that kind of stuff. He was good at it too. My memory from when I was a little boy was that my Dad was rarely home. When he was home, he would be in the workshop. If I would go to the workshop and sit there looking at him, and wanting to talk to him, he would ignore me. Sometimes he didn’t ignore me – he would tell me to leave him alone. By the time I was about 20, my dad was so successful in his work that he and my Mom had a 10 acre ranch. Their house was 4,500 square feet, custom built to their specs. It was their dream house. My Dad had a separate building for his workshop, which was 2,500 square feet in itself. He basically had any kind of tool ever made. You need a screwdriver? He had hundreds of them, all hanging on the pegboard walls, laid out in the exact order that he wanted. But, I was not to touch them – those were not for me. Even in my 20′s, I was not included in such things. My younger brother, on the other hand, was my Dad’s work buddy. My Dad taught him everything when it came to handy work. If my brother needed a tool – hey, no problem! Ah, he didn’t even have to return the tool, my Dad could just buy a new one.
This really hurt me, even though I didn’t fully realize it.
Shortly after Feyma and I got married, we had some kind of job that needed to be done at home – some kind of repair, I don’t remember what it was, nor is it important. Feyma asked me to fix it. Honestly, I broke down into tears. Feyma asked me what was wrong. I told her “I don’t know how to fix that, because my Dad never taught me how.” At that moment, all of the feelings that had been welled up inside me came rushing out. I talked to my Dad about it, he said he was going to teach me that stuff. It never happened, though. My Dad died about 2 years later (at age 55), and he had never done anything about it.
I had not thought about this in detail until now. Of course, I did at that time, but this is the first time since then that it entered my mind. As I sit here typing this, I am choked up. I mean, teaching your boy how to use tools, how to fix a car, how to cut wood and such – that is something a father does. For me, if I went to his workshop during my childhood, I was made to feel that I was bothering him, or in his way, even though I had not seen him for days or weeks, and just wanted to have some time with my Dad. It never happened though.
In some ways this mirrors the relationship my father and I have. He is very handy. He grew up on a farm and can fix and/or build many things. Me? Not so much. If it doesn’t have a keyboard, it’s probably not a good idea for me to attempt it.
My wife, on the other hand, has a father who was a shop teacher and they built their own house. She installed some of the electrical when she was in middle school. If something breaks, she fixes it.
It does get passed down, too. I have not taught my son to fix things. However, we do other things together. Since I am a writer, he shares his writing with me. We do computer things together. Such a different relationship.
Hi Tom N – I am so interested in your story, because as you said, your story and mine are so very similar. Not only were our Dad’s similar, and what they passed to us similar, but you and I are also in similar pursuits in life as well.
Good luck to you, Tom.
Hi Bob,This is very peculiar,our childhoods were similar.
My dad was in Insurance,a strict disciplinarian,bad tempered and impatient person.He had a woodworking hobby,i used to try to watch him and ask questions, but he always sent me away,”don’t bother me when i’m busy”.
I grew to resent him,taught myself many things,left home and joined the Navy at 16,he was one of the reasons.
He could also be very unkind to my mother,which is probably why she later divorced him.
I learned how to be very independant and sometimes get accused of being to independant,having difficulty delegating tasks etc.Funny thing is i have never been any good at woodwork,i think his attitude closed off any interest in this.
Strange how life pans out,regards Chas.
Hi Bob,
Yes i did see Tom N’s comment,what a trio we are lol.
I think your assumption about the way we were treated and the way it influenced our lives is very true.My sister was academically brighter than me,the favourite.According to my father i would never ammount to much in life,this fired me up to prove him wrong.I spent a good 30yrs trying to prove myself and probably to gain his acceptance.I succeded, as later in my life he admitted he was wrong and was proud of who i became.Even though i won in the end,deep down it hurt for many years,regards Chas.
Hi chasdv – I’m glad to know that you were able to succeed and get the approval and pride that you were searching for. Unfortunately, for me, that never happened. I know that my Dad loved me, but he had a different way of manifesting that love.
This story is very common. Now with the economy being the way that it is, a lot more dads are having to hit the road for work. My dad was never around period, and I have tried not to miss spending time with my son. I have had to travel for work, to pay the bills, and to make sure my son had what he needed, but it never felt good being away. I always tried to make up for that lost time, but the truth is they are only a kid once. My son and I have a great relationship, but I never forgot the sacrifice that I made, and that he had to endure while I did what had to be done. It bothered me, and I always sought a way to help make time apart easier for the both of us. Recently I came up with an idea that can help all dads in this situation, and I hope that all of you reading this are paying attention because it can help you.
You can’t get that time back, but you can do something to make it easier and help you stay closer to your kids. Go videotape yourself with a webcam or camcorder, it will take 10 minutes of your life. Tape yourself telling a good story or fairytale, one you might read to your kids at night before bed. When you are done, upload it to sleepytales.com . It is super easy, your kids will never ever forget it, and will want to share it because it came from you. This way, you can be there in their life, even when you aren’t there physically.
I made this site so that parents especially dads have a way to stay connected. It doesn’t matter if you are gone to war, on a business trip, or have been separated because of divorce. All kids deserve a good bedtime story, or to be able to have someone they love tell them a story anytime. My site is and will always be free, because I love kids, and I want to help people stay close to them. You have no excuse now, so go, for posterity, and for love. Thanks
Hi chasdv – I am not sure if you saw Tom N’s comment on this topic, but his childhood was also similar to what you and I experienced. Funny thing is that both of you are people whom I would classify as intelligent people. Do you think that the treatment we got from our fathers forced us to be more independent, and thus we had to use our intelligence to get ahead in life?
Thanks for sharing your story, chas.